no longer will I follow
can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
when I can, I will"
It's funny how, having not even put much conscious thought into our current state of mind and being, we can suddenly realize, in a seemingly inconsequential moment, that we are, in fact, happy. I think that in general, we have a habit of believing that happiness is dependent upon our circumstances, upon external forces that somehow have to power to lift us up to new heights or dash us down upon the rocks. But recently it's occurred to me, or reoccurred, that real happiness is not outside of ourselves but within.
On a recent blustery, rainy night walking home from the gym and lingering in Alamo Square to watch the lights and seek the comfort of my City breathing below, it suddenly dawned upon me (who as a general rule has always scowled at and avoided the wet and wind with great fastidiousness), that perhaps the ever-elusive state of happiness occurs simply in coming back to yourself, no matter how long of an absence; in reclaiming the freedom to be yourself, the desire to become better, stronger, more productive, and the confidence to know that you can. In acknowledging shortcomings as well as strengths and need for improvement along with accomplishments, and being ashamed of nothing.
As I stood in the park amidst the darkened urban forest, oddly relishing in the cold air and the wind whipping against my face and threatening to literally knock me over, I realized that somewhere in the months gone by, I had remembered myself, and come back to myself. And despite all the confusion, even though I knew that nothing in my life was even close to certain... in that moment, and in life in general, I was happy. Intoxicated, punch-drunk in love with the city and the world and all it has to offer. With the endless potential that lies in front of me if only I have the courage to take advantage of it. And that, I think, is a good place to start.