God's army is gathering... and they're not afraid to use cupcakes

That's right: cupcakes. Those delicious little frosting-covered morsels of heaven that everyone loves. They're cute. They're delectable. They're "in". And it seems that the people who would like to dictate what God wants you to do with your body are now attempting to do so by scrawling it in blood red frosting all over the sugary treats and then distributing them to the unsuspecting impressionable masses of America.

I love cupcakes. Yes, they taste great. Sure, they're fun to eat. But I think that maybe I love cupcakes even more for the idea of them than for the eating itself. I love baking them and decorating them and sharing them with friends. I love the little bit of fun and joy they spread. I love the endless possibilities and combinations they present and how they're like little edible pieces of art, all standing together in solidarity, and yet each one unique unto itself. Just as society should be.

And yet, instead of using cupcakes to bring people together, one group of Christians has been attempting to use them to divide and condemn. I was riding the N home the other night when a conversation behind me broke through my mild end-of-the-work-day space out and perked up my ears. It was a man relaying to his friend an article he had read on SFGate about "Cupcakes for Life", a campaign started by a group of anti-abortion supporters who have been using innocent unsuspecting cupcakes to spread their "pro-life" message across the nation. Of course I had to google this when I got home and see for myself. I can't sum up the whole sad, bizarre story better than Violet Blue does in her column (although I will certainly put my 2 cents in).

It would really be hilarious if it weren't so very creepy and disturbing. Ok, I do still find it quite amusing, in a ridiculous sort of way. But more so disturbing. As a lover of cupcakes, as a believer in CHOICE and Roe v. Wade and a feminist (I don't really like to use that term because I feel it can be quite divisive, but I think I am one in the purest sense of the word).... as a supporter of reproductive rights, not to mention the rights of children and young adults to think for themselves and not be the unwitting messengers of hatred and judgment: I, for one, am truly offended.

Let me say this: the cupcake does not discriminate. It does not judge. It flirts, it beckons: "Come, eat me. Don't worry about your waistline or your sugar intake or what people might think. Do what you want for once. Have fun, live a little!" Cupcakes, my friend, are a force for Good and not Evil. But unfortunately it would seem that the "Cupcakes for Life" people would seek to pervert the uplifting nature of the cupcake with their disturbingly misguided mission. It seems to me that there is just something inherently sneaky and wrong about using sweets in an attempt to brainwash children to your way of thinking. Honestly, you have to wonder what's next. Apple Pies for Abstinence? Anti-Stem Cell Research Sugar Cookies? Lollipops Against the Legalization of Gay Marriage??

It makes me very angry when human beings do terrible things in the name of God and religion, when they treat the bible as if it were a free pass to do pretty much whatever their ignorance and hatred sees fit. It saddens me and very much raises my indignation when people appropriate things that are innately good and twist them to suit their own distorted purposes. Like using cupcakes to spread the message against abortion, choice and women's rights. Much as religious folk have been using Jesus's name to spread messages of hate and prejudice for centuries.

Now come on, let's all face it: Jesus was a hippie. He was a lover, not a fighter. I mean, he only ever got mad, what... once? And all he did about it was a have a little fit over the blatant greed and materialism of the Church and knock a few tables over. Come to think of it, it seems to me that a few modern day tables could stand to be turned over... but then forget about Jesus, you'd probably be excommunicated and fined an exorbitant amount. But I digress... the point is that I think Jesus would have LOVED cupcakes, I think he would have... no... wait, that's not my point.

I guess my point is that religious people, ALL people (but especially religious people), need to learn to live and let live. It never ceases to amaze me that someone can literally live by the word of the bible and know by heart the Book of Genesis in which God bestows humanity with the gift of free will, and yet apparently not believe in people actually practicing free will. You know, my mom just happens to be quite thoroughly Catholic, and, I loathe to say, against abortion as a rule (I know, how did I end up this way? Was I adopted?? Tune in to future segments to find out!). But I am proud and infinitely relieved to say that I would never come home to find her cheerfully piping "Abortion Kills" onto freshly baked treats.

I mean really, how appetizing is a cupcake proclaiming "I Heart Babies" or "God Hates Murder" anyway? Especially when it's followed by this lovely suggestion taken directly from cupcakesforlife.com (you really can't make this stuff up): "Hand them the cupcakes and ask people if they would like to see what an abortion looks like. If they say yes show them a picture of an aborted baby."

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...Oh... hi again. I'm sorry, I think I was rendered speechless there for a few minutes. I guess I must just be terribly squeamish because apparently for the people behind Cupcakes For Life nothing washes down pastry like the sight of a bloody fetus. Although to be honest, considering what I know about the attention span and eating habits of most children and adolescents (not to mention their general attitude towards any sort of extracurricular reading), there's a very good chance the majority of those cupcakes and their inspiring messages are decomposing at the bottom of a gut before you can even say "bloody fetus". What a shame. But never fear, I hear there's a group of stalwart Christians out there fighting to legalize childhood lobotomies. After all, how else are we supposed to raise our youth right in this day and age?? Especially when baked goods fail us.

**Speaking of inappropriately appropriating things, the lovely cupcake art seen above is by Natalie Dee of nataliedee.com (thanks Mr. President), who I think I am now slightly obsessed with. See you later, Space Cowboy(Cupcake).

EDIT: Upon closer inspection I noticed that under the "how to make cupcakes" page there is a picture featuring a variety of boxed cupcake mixes and canned frosting. CUPCAKE FAIL. If you really loved unborn fetuses you'd bake from scratch.