It’s not aging I fear, it’s the thought of dying having never really lived, or loved, or fulfilled whatever purpose there may be to find. The fear that with each less day I take a step forward, the more my limbs atrophy. A claustrophobic feeling of the years ahead and the world around slowly closing in on me like a goddamned trash compactor as I sit paralyzed in the middle. The debilitating, stifling fear that choosing risk over comfort will lead to ruin, and that choosing comfort over risk will kill slowly, and that by the time I decide it will be too late. Fear that the right time will never arrive, or doesn't exist. The fear that roads left untaken will end up crippling me with regret. Fear of getting hurt, fear of hurting others. Fear that no one will ever really (really) know me, not because they don't care to, but because I won't allow it--maybe because I'm not capable of it. Fear that I will be my own undoing out of fear of letting someone else be. Fear of settling. Fear of not settling. Fear that maybe optimism is just a quirk of youth, and self-growth a myth we tell ourselves to grasp at hope. I'm afraid that the older I get, the more fearful I'll become.
a thousand castles in the sky...
the incessant musings, philosophical meanderings & occasionally frivolous rants of an urban-dwelling daydreamer in the city by the bay
Quote of the Day
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Melancholia and the Infinite Fear (this could get dark…)
It’s not aging I fear, it’s the thought of dying having never really lived, or loved, or fulfilled whatever purpose there may be to find. The fear that with each less day I take a step forward, the more my limbs atrophy. A claustrophobic feeling of the years ahead and the world around slowly closing in on me like a goddamned trash compactor as I sit paralyzed in the middle. The debilitating, stifling fear that choosing risk over comfort will lead to ruin, and that choosing comfort over risk will kill slowly, and that by the time I decide it will be too late. Fear that the right time will never arrive, or doesn't exist. The fear that roads left untaken will end up crippling me with regret. Fear of getting hurt, fear of hurting others. Fear that no one will ever really (really) know me, not because they don't care to, but because I won't allow it--maybe because I'm not capable of it. Fear that I will be my own undoing out of fear of letting someone else be. Fear of settling. Fear of not settling. Fear that maybe optimism is just a quirk of youth, and self-growth a myth we tell ourselves to grasp at hope. I'm afraid that the older I get, the more fearful I'll become.
Monday, August 20, 2012
re:aviation
I've never put an awful lot of stock in the meaning of dreams. It's interesting to think about things like symbology and hidden meaning, but they usually seem to me, when I can recall them, just a jumbled, distorted montage of the various thoughts, feelings and happenings of the everyday life. A movie trailer you saw here, a conversation you had there.
About two weeks ago, for whatever reason, I spent a restless night tossing and turning, waking from strange dreams with a vague feeling of unease. In the early hours around dawn I found myself in that state of almost-conscious sleep and just drifting into a dream... I don't remember setting or context, all I know is that someone asked me a question: the name of an author, or actor maybe? "D.E. Flighting", I answered clearly in the dream, and then I woke up, the words feeling as if they had just rolled off my lips.
"D.E. Flighting?" I thought. Who the hell is that? Is it a name I heard in passing, somewhere in the course of the day or the week, that somehow stuck in a small corner of my brain? Why had I remembered this? If not a name, maybe it was a message somehow. But what could it mean? De-flighting? I was going to be traveling on a plane the next week for the first time in a while. Could that have something to do with it? What if somehow my dream was telling me not to get on that plane??
I know this all sounds kind of crazy, especially for someone who doesn't normally assign too much meaning to dreams, but I had awoken with a certain sense of anxiety after a night of poor sleep, something that is really not normal for me. And the dream had been so brief, the last part so clear. I feel that it's rare that I even remember my dreams anymore, lately. In a sleepy moment of clarity right before drifting off again, knowing I would surely forget in the morning, I snatched my iphone from the charger and typed this mystery into my notes to look up later. And then I promptly passed out until my alarm went off.
It turns out it was a smart move as in the bustle of the workday, I didn't remember at all until I was about to leave the office. Somewhat trepidatiously, I typed "D.E. Flighting" into the Google Machine and waited for the screen to load, fully expecting to find no answer to my puzzle but curious, nonetheless. As suspected, there is no D.E. Flighting, author/actor/inventor/person-of-interest/man/woman extraordinaire. None. No one at all. At least not that google is aware of (in this day and age does a person even exist if they are not googleable??). Instead, I found this:
deflighting:
Or maybe it's not just about work. Is it that, unwittingly, I've clipped my own wings? In the wake of heartache from unwanted transition have I become a sort of emotional hermit, unable or unwilling to embrace new possibilities, at least for more than a day? Have I been focusing inward so much that I'm failing to really see the world around me? Maybe... and maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me to quit holding back, already.
Are dreams merely random or is there sometimes deeper meaning if we look closely enough? I haven't quite figured this out for myself, and as an agnostic I'm not one to form rash opinions.
The truth is, I don't really have answers. I don't know if that particular dream fragment actually held meaning for me or if so what exactly that may be. But I do know that something somehow put that word in my head, and jolted me to mental clarity just long enough for it to catch my attention, and make me really want to remember, to feel that it was important to. And whatever caused it, coincidence or not, I think it is something I need to stay aware of, in all aspects of life. In light of this, last week I took a small but crucial step in my personal life, one that was kind of terrifying, and also liberating, eye-opening, and about damn time.
Because the song the caged bird sings is a sad, sad tune and if I have anything to say about it, no one is going to hold me back, especially not me. When the time is right I want to be able to spread these wings and fly, baby, fly.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
timshel
Like Lee, I have "no bent toward gods". But that book and especially that passage kind of blew my mind in terms of my understanding of human nature. It also made me fall in love, or back in love, with the human soul and the light that sparks it, which is free will. So I got a tattoo as a reminder of the indomitable, sometimes transcendent, sometimes terrifying human spirit and the incredible power of free will: the power and freedom it gives us to give in or to fight, to hate or to forgive, to fear or to love. We are ultimately the creators of our own destiny, and we have the responsibility to ourselves to choose it, to fulfill it. Even when I feel like curling up into a little ball and surrendering to the world, when I think of this it gives me strength.
"Why the need for a tattoo?", some might ask. Why not just remind yourself in a less permanently-inked-into-your-body way? The thing is, it's really more than a reminder. It's a commitment and a promise to myself, in black and white—or rather black and skin-tone, but really, my skin is pretty goddamn white—with me forever, or at least as long as my body is. A promise to always exercise my free will as a human being; to be myself, and to be better, to make the changes I need to make. To "choose my course and fight it out and win". So I'm starting. I'm not sure what's ahead of me, but when I feel afraid or need inspiration, at least all I have to do is look down at my arm.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
peace in WalMart and goodwill towards shoppers
No, your eyes do not deceive you, this is indeed a new post. It must be a Christmas miracle!! Really though, I know it has been quite a while. But thanks to the Christmas holiday I happen to have a bit of free time to relax and reflect, and what would Christmas be without a reflection on consumerism and the true Holiday spirit??
We all know the deal. The Holiday displays go up November 1st, while jack-o-lanterns still grin their demented pumpkin-y grins on front porches. Department and drugstores a-like start pelting our ears with the same 5 Christmas carols on loop. Downtown shopping areas become overrun with crazed, zombie-like mobs intent on spending as much on the perfect holiday gifts as their credit limits will allow. And every year, no matter how bad the economy gets, the insanity just seems to get worse and worse.
I don't think anything illustrates how out of control this Christmas consumerism has gotten better than the medley of incidents that occurred this year on that aptly-named phenomenon known as "Black Friday”. Last Novemer a madwoman in Porter Valley (an affluent neighborhood in the LA area) used pepper spray to get the jump on her fellow Walmart shoppers, hurting 20 people, including some children (one of these, a 13 year old girl, was also punched in the face by another customer). In New York City, some shoppers, enraged that Hollister's flagship store was not opening at midnight, broke into the store instead and stole merchandise.
Shoppers in two different Walmart locations were shot in the parking lot in apparent robbery attempts and a woman in Connecticut was carjacked outside of a Lowe's. A video that's gone viral on youtube shows a man unconcsious and bleeding from the face--he had been knocked down by police after allegedly putting a video game in his belt to free his hands so he could pick up his grandson as the crowd surged around them. At a Target in West Virginia, a 61-year-old man collapsed and later died, meanwhile people continued to shop, some even stepping over his body or walking around him, according to local reports. And the tales of ugly (mis)behavior go on and on.
At the very least it should be common sense that a holiday that's supposed to be about family and love, about peace and goodwill towards all, is not in accordance with hurting fellow human beings in order to get a good deal on china for Mom or a Playstation for little Jimmy. Whether you're religious or not, I would think you could get on board with that. But the kind of behavior exhibited in these and other incidences on “Black Friday” represents not just unfortunate greed and materialism, but also a disturbing lack of empathy for fellow human beings.
So how the hell do people come to this? When exactly did holiday shopping become a brutal combat sport? A vicious match to the death for kitchenware and electronics? These are not starving people battling over life-sustaining nutrition, not infected folks clamoring for a limited supply of antidote. These people are fighting, trampling and maiming their fellow human beings for x-boxes, waffle irons, crockpots. Bath towels. Hardly seems worth the risk to health, sanity--even perhaps your life. And personally, I don't think it's worth the sacrifice of your dignity and humanity either.
I'll be the first to admit that I love Christmas. I love the lights. I love the parties. I love cozying up in front of roaring fires (or high def yule logs). I love the smell of pine trees in living rooms and the warm, spiced (spiked) drinks. I love the societal blessing to indulge in obscene amounts of cheese and chocolate. But I hate what rampant consumerism and materialism have done to this holiday. Yes, there is a certain warm sense of satisfaction in finding just the right gift for someone, a certain pleasant surprise and feeling of being loved in getting a well-thought out present from another. But I feel like Christmas can be just as enjoyable without all of the bows and whistles, all of the stressful holiday shopping.
It’s a natural human impulse, to a certain degree, to think of yourself and your immediate family and friends first. However, to be willing to harm others to buy them the latest Christmas gifts?? Seems unreasonable. But it’s the same “us vs them” attitude that has brought prejudice, war and genocide upon our world for centuries. And now it seems it’s become even pettier and closer to home than ever. And it’ s frightening. Because when we fail to see others as our neighbors, as our sisters and brothers in the human race, as fellow people worthy of respect and love and compassion; that’s when the human race starts to spiral ever downwards. If it's every person for themselves at the local WalMart how can we expect to avoid war and carnage on a global scale?
Just think of how much better of a place the world might be if all of these Black Friday shoppers, instead of camping out in front of store and shoving and pepper-spraying their way to gift bargains, would instead donate their time and money to people in need all over the world. Think how good things could be if everyone taught their children the importance of loving and respecting all of their fellow human beings instead of the importance of material possessions. If they taught children about the value of living within their means and not expecting and demanding the latest high-tech gadgets and toys that may not be afforable. It’s an impossible dream, maybe. But hey, when better to dream than Christmas??
I think that Christmas is the perfect time to remember to be mindful of others and to exercise compassion. And for me it’s also a good reminder of the distinction between "want" and "need”, which I’ve recently been trying to be more conscious of in myself, and which I believe may be ever more increasingly crucial to keep aware of in this age of shamelessly opportunistic advertising and rampant consumerism. Because no matter how many things I think I want or “need”, when I reflect on it I have to realize just how lucky I am for the many things (both material and intangible) that I have had in my life and the unexpected blessings that have come my way in the past year.
So Merry Christmas, I hope that you’ve had a joyous holiday and I wish you all the best for the new year. And please, whatever you do, do not try to shop on Black Friday next year. I don't really need an LED light-up ice cream maker with ipod speakers and I like you just the way you are: intact.